Celtics fans, we need you now more than ever! The Celtics have found themselves in the Eastern Conference Finals against “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. It is a daunting task ahead of us, but I think I got the solution.
As my title says, I am calling for a Celtic Pride scenario. If you’ve seen the movie ‘Celtic Pride’ you know what I’m asking for. If you’re not familiar with the instant classic Judd Apatow film, get your shit together, but here is a quick overview. It is a brilliantly crafted, extremely realistic, movie starring Damon Wayans, Daniel Stern, and John Aykroyd, three all-timers in the comedy game. The premise of the movie is that the Celtics are going into a game 7 in the NBA finals against the Jazz who have the best player in the world on their team, Lewis Scott (Damon Wayans) who hit the game winning shot in game 6. Two season ticket holders, and maybe the biggest Celtics fans out there, Mike O’Hara (Daniel Stern) and Jimmy Flaherty (John Aykroyd), fear that the Celtics can not beat the Jazz with Lewis Scott in the game.
So when the situation presents itself they act fast. They see Scott at a Boston night club after game 6 and quickly craft the plan to act like Jazz fans, get on Scott’s good side, and get him so drunk that he is too hungover to play in game 7. That is basically as Boston as devious plans can get. The only problem is that the plan worked too well, and they all got hammered. When they woke up the next morning they realized they did not only get Lewis Scott drunk, but they kidnapped him too. Waking up without memory of their actions the night before, their first reaction is to let him go, but then they think about it. They come to the conclusion that if they are going to jail they might as well hold him for the rest of the night and help the Celtics win before they go away. So that is what they do. They kidnap the best NBA player in the world to help the Celtics win…see what I am getting at here?
I’ll just cut to the chase, we need to kidnap LeBron James. Although he only drinks red wine like a pansy so it might be tricky, but no one said this was going to be easy. It is going to take a lot of elbow grease and probably some rohypnol. Lewis Scott was a guard and kind of a small guy, so it might take more than two people to carry LeBron around. Now, there will be a full search party out for him, so make sure to get to a secure area with the cry baby, because he will probably be crying very loudly. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to have a cop or two on your side to throw the scent off. The rest is up to you.
If you are a true Celtics fan you will do this. I would do it myself, but I threw my back out saving a dog from a fire two days ago, so I’m not at 100%. I gave you the blueprint, now it’s on you to act. If you’re reading this and you say you “#BleedGreen” well this is time to put your money where your mouth is. Step up to the plate, and do your part to help the Celtics by committing multiple felonies. The Celtics have a slogan “I AM A CELTIC”, it is time for every fan to make that reality, and be as much a part of the Celtics winning as Kelly Olynyk.
Best of luck to all our Boston Strong fans out there ready to drastically risk their life in order to help the Celtics! We are all secretly behind you!
P.S. The movie ends with Mike and Jimmy walking into a hotel room saying “This is different, this is football season!” as they wake up someone who you see is Deion Sanders as the movies end. I will not be calling for any Patriots fans, because we literally don’t need any more help. The GOAT will bring us everywhere we need to go.