365 days. It’s been 365 days and where are you now? How much has your life changed since that Thursday, November 30th 2017? How much have you changed since that day? A never ending rollercoaster of emotions that has brought as many highs as its brought lows. It’s only right that you take a step back and realize just how much has changed since then.
It’s been undoubtedly the most difficult year of your life and you can’t help but feel responsible for it. You’ve come to the realization that it was your mistakes and ignorance that has led you to be in the position where you’re at now. A difficult place to be because as much as you understand your mistakes and want to make them right, you simply can’t. See the thing is, you can’t always make things right. Sometimes you make irreversible mistakes without even knowing it. I used to think that the best way to deal with mistakes was by reversing them and finding solutions. In reality, you don’t always get a chance to make it better. The best way to truly cope with your mistakes is to learn why you did them and how you can prevent yourself from doing them again. Understand that everyone is human and God doesn’t always give you a second chance it’s just how it is.
But yet you still beat yourself up for it. You find yourself alone for the first time in years and you’re suddenly missing a huge chunk of your life. It’s as if a wheel has fallen off your car and you’re doing your best to keep control and not crash. You’re miserable and knowing that you’re responsible for this makes it even harder. Yet your pride and ego won’t let you express that in a healthy way. Inside you’re crying for help and begging for someone to notice that behind that smile is a terrified human being who’s hoping someone squeezes those emotions out of you.
You look for temporary solutions. You realize that being sober brings you pain and you need an escape from your hard reality. Even if that means for just a few hours. But then you start realizing that these temporary solutions aren’t working the way you want them too. Your mind starts wondering even more until you find yourself overthinking every possible thing in your life. You get mad at yourself for not being able to deal with it like every other person in this World. It upsets you that you’ve turned to this as a way of dealing with it instead of looking for healthy solutions. But what is a healthy solution? A man can’t express his feelings. A man cant bother his closest friends with his feelings day in and day out. Therapy is for the weak anyway so you don’t even bother. You Are alone in this World and so it’s up to you to find solutions for yourself. But you have to do it soon because the more the days on the calendar turn, the worse you get.
Since you’re alone in a completely different World, you look to branch out and try a new way of life in search of happiness. It starts with small things. You start giving new artists a try. That one restaurant you always walk by suddenly becomes appealing. You start talking and hanging out with people you would’ve never hung out with. It’s not always ideal but you’re trying. You realize there’s a lot of variety in this World and you won’t always like everything. Which is fine. The World has become a new experience for you.
That is until the demons crawl back. See, the thing with these demons is that they tend to come back right when you feel like you’re making progress. These demons disguise themselves in many different ways. They come in different shapes and forms. One night they could reappear in your dreams. Another day they can be a song that reminds you of that one person or of a certain time where everything seemed to be right. Sometimes, they might just be a picture you accidentally come across. A picture that can automatically turn your World and your mood upside down. You could’ve had a great day so far. But once those demons come back, you’re back to square one. Unable to express yourself, you turn back to those temporary solutions that lead you down to a bad path once again.
Finding yourself and the recuperation from such a difficult blow can be strenuous. It’s a different battle each day. It requires you looking at the mirror and really thinking about what type of person you want to be and what you want to accomplish. There’s an overwhelming amount of things you want to change about yourself and you want to do it overnight. You get frustrated when it takes time. You wish you could snap your fingers and you would be the person you want to be. But it doesn’t work like that. It takes months of insecurities and vulnerability. You see everyone else around you enjoying the life you could’ve had while you’re taking walks alone down the Waterfront because being at home alone with your thoughts kills you little by little.
It’s a path without a map. No one can can give you proper directions because everyone’s path comes with different roadblocks. The journey isn’t always a straight line but once you get the wheels rolling, it’s an incredible feeling. But that’s part of the adventure. A person does not grow without first encountering some obstacles. Behind every great success story, there’s countless stories of disappointments and heartbreaks
However the journey is what you make out of it. You can sit and dwell about it every day and expect life to just give you free passes (which they won’t) or you can go out and do something about it. It’s up to YOU to make changes to benefit YOU. It all starts with you. The best decision I’ve made all year was to devote my life to football again. I had started to fall off because of off the field distractions but thanks to former assistant coach Bryan, I opened my eyes and realized that it was the one thing I loved most in this World. Thanks to his words of encouragement and the belief he planted on me, I started to turn things around in my life because I now had a goal. He believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself. For that, im eternally thankful.
Life is just like the NBA: it’s all about runs. Once you start changing things and finding healthier solutions, it creates a domino effect. If you’re able to carry out that momentum, you can start to turn that page. Before you know it, you’ve made tons of progress without even realizing it. Everyone around you starts noticing it and they comment on it adding fuel to your fire to keep going.
Everyone has their own story. To get out of this bad place, you need that one person, thing or event that wakes you up from your grave and gets you believing in something again. It could be something small and may go unnoticed by the other person but for you, it means the World. It brings back your sunshine and your will to live. For me, that light came in the form of a ball.
Many don’t understand where my love and passion for the game of football (soccer) comes. Those that know me understand that I cannot live without the game. Everything I do is around football. Every aspect of my life revolves around playing, coaching, watching or preparing for football. That is because I owe everything to the game. Football gave me a reason to get up in the morning with hope for a better day. Its helped me get a job where I truly love going to work and I enjoy every second of it. It’s given me something to look forward to all week. Not only has it been my escape from my day to day problems, it’s served as my purpose in this World.
I want to personally thank everyone that’s been in my life this year because chances are, you’ve helped me in more ways than you think. It’s important to remember that you never know what a person is going through and that just because they smile on the outside, it doesn’t necessarily reflect what’s going on inside. A small good deed goes along way and you never know if your act of kindness might just be the difference maker in someone’s life.
I’m happy to take a step back and realize just how much I’ve accomplished in a year and although I’m still a work in progress, I’m in a way better position both mentally and physically than I was 365 days ago. I couldn’t have done it without my family, my friends and everyone that’s helped me in football this year. Believe me when I say that I have a great memory and will not forget everything people have done for me this year.
I look at where my life is now and I couldn’t be more proud. I’m finishing up my second to last term at Portland State University, coaching football like I’ve always loved and with a new idea of where I want my life to go. I find myself much happier than I was a full year ago and although I’m not done, I’ve made remarkable progress.
If you’re going through something similar, I hope you understand that there is always hope for you. It may seem like this is a battle that you cannot win but that’s not true. God gives the toughest battles to his toughest soldiers. All the tears anger and frustration will help create a new person who’s ready for a new chapter in life. If you or anyone is going through this, don’t hesitate to reach out to me even if it is just to talk. You don’t have to go through anything alone and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeking someone to talk to. Remember, you will get through this.
Here’s to another 365 days