His face stood still in shock, speechless. Telling one of my closest friends that I was battling battling cancer was no easier than telling my family. I didn’t know what my life would look like for the next few months. I didn’t know a pandemic was on the way either.
Fast forward eleven months later, I am now at a place where I can talk about my experience battling cancer during a pandemic, in depth and in detail.
What was the finding out I had cancer like?
My suspicious symptoms emerged and worsened years before leading up to the point when I finally mustered up the courage to consult my doctor.
Many make the mistake of worrying and researching, often way too long, before seeing a professional.
At first, my primary care doctor told me I had nothing to worry about and it was not cancer. I insisted on seeing a specialist.
As much as I wanted to believe the good news, I knew my body better than any doctor ever could.
I am fortunate enough to reside in Boston and have decent private insurance. The process between the test and finding out whether or not I had cancer took about twenty minutes.
Those twenty minutes felt like a lifetime of anxiety.
I can’t imagine what it must be like for people that have to wait days.
As the doctor walked towards me, I wasn’t worried or scared. I was embracing for the worst, while preparing to fight.
My gut instinct was right, I indeed had cancer.
What happens when you find out you have cancer?
Everything moves so fast when you are diagnosed with cancer cancer. scans, surgery, and tests that normally take months to get approved, get approved within minutes.
I foolishly attempted to delay my scans and surgeries so that I could complete a pre-planned business trip. Although I was able to convince my hesitant doctor to wait a week, the older gentleman that schedules these things refused to do so.
Luckily for me, he talked sense into me when I couldn’t prioritize my own health over my career. I wish I knew his name so I could thank him.
Never prioritize your career over your health, lesson learned.
I have cancer, now what?
Guilt, shame, and feeling like damaged goods, are all inexplainable emotions that can consume you after being diagnosed with cancer.
It was time to face my own mortality.
The idea of pausing my career and life to fight for my life while my friends were buying houses, getting married, and excelling in their careers, was a tough pill to swallow. In addition to that, I had to tell people.
I had to tell my own mother.
Common questions I remember researching when I went through cancer, and their answers.
The first question I remember asking myself was, “Do I have to tell people?”
The answer to that question is “no”.
The second question I remember asking was, “When should I tell people?”
The answer to that is, “when you are ready.”
Telling people that care about you that you have cancer can be very stressful. Who you tell, and when you tell them, is up to you.
I told the people I knew would support me first, when I was ready. I told the rest of the world, when I was ready.
It is important that you prioritize yourself when battling cancer.
My spirits were high and I had great doctors. I was very confident that I would beat cancer and expressed that as often as possible. However, I still had to advise my circle not do any online research.
I refused to allow worst case scenarios to apply to me. I needed that for my own mental health.
As for the rest of the world, I let them know through an article on this site. Most wished me well and respected my privacy. Some asked invasive questions. I think they do that to compare their experience to someone they know. Some might just be nosy.
You don’t have to share any details that you don’t want to.
Adding a pandemic to the battle with cancer.
There is never a good time to face a pandemic, nor is there ever a good time to face cancer.
However, in a weird way, it was almost as if the world paused, just as I needed to pause.
I needed to protect my compromised immunity, just as the rest of the world was quarantined. In addition to that, it felt like everyone got out of my way just as I needed to get to a hospital.
The pandemic took its toll on my mental health just like anyone else. However, forcing me to quarantine helped ensure that I did quarantine. In hindsight, the covid-19 pandemic’s enforced quarantine might have protected from getting sick while having a compromised immune system.
God works in mysterious ways.
What was chemotherapy like?
I chose to go through all my treatments alone for multiple reasons. I didn’t want my family to ever have to see the insides of a chemo treatment facility, God willing. Not knowing what to expect, I wanted my privacy. In addition to all that, this was my battle. I felt like the man in the arena.
Chemotherapy will humble anyone. It will break you down, rob you of your beauty and vitality, hurt you just enough to agonize you consistently for weeks after treatment, tax your mind, absorb your energy, and attempt to destroy your body.
It will bring you to your knees.
However, the process of going through chemotherapy will also remind you of your own greatness, encourage you to forget your old silly insecurities, show you what you are capable of enduring, teach you patience, and grand you an opportunity to rebuild your body with a greater appreciation for it.
When you are on your knees, you can either sulk or pray.
I chose to pray for strength and every time my faith was rewarded.
What are the long term side effects of chemotherapy?
In hindsight, I understand why my doctors don’t excessively go into the somewhat long term side effects of chemotherapy. Aside from hair loss, you’ll find yourself often having to deal with a lot of things you don’t remember your doctor covering in detail. Saving your life is more important.
I’ve dealt with minor inconveniences when compared to the alternative. Ringing in the ear, hair thinning, nerve damage, and stubborn weight gain are a few that I have had to deal with. Luckily, with time, I am expected to make a full recovery.
Reminder, different cancers and treatments affect different people differently.
Life after chemotherapy
I had been focusing on literally not dying for the last few months. Once you’re told you are in remission, you have to look at yourself in the mirror. You don’t look like yourself. Your body is different. You are weaker. You’ve been through hell.
You first need to realize those things, and understand that it’s necessary to be gentle and patient with yourself. I had to constantly remind myself of what I had been through, and that I needed to take it easy on myself.
I gave myself a couple weeks to sulk before deciding to return my mind to the real world.
Although I remained positive throughout my battle, I believe that my mental health is stronger than ever. It’s a little hard to not want to live after fighting so hard to live.
I had to battle cancer during a pandemic at 28.
Even after I beat cancer, I had to cautiously navigate the real world as the rest of us were still going through a pandemic.
Seeing my friends after months of being alone was one of the best feelings I had ever felt in my life. Dreaming about the good times to come helped me push through the tough times.
How have I changed after battling cancer
Besides gaining a little weight and rocking the bald look proudly, there are only a few ways in which I believe I have changed. These changes are mostly mental states that I would have arrived to eventually. Battling cancer simply sped up the evolution process.
I reciprocate energy now more than ever. Those who were there for me, will have my eternal gratitude. Forgiving those who were not is not a necessity.
I now see people for what they are, rather than the versions of them I want to see.
I want to surround myself with good people that add value to my life, and distance myself from those who do not.
The understanding how precious life is and the fact that time is the most valuable currency can drive you to be more focused than you ever have been.
Whenever I am hesitant or struggling, I remind myself how not too long ago, I was battling cancer during a pandemic at just 28 years old.
It is important to acknowledge your mortality and prioritize the right things in your life.
What is my outlook now on life?
I am more positive and optimistic about my life than I ever have been. There is no longer a feeling of needing to apologize for being great, and wanting to be greater.
I am fortunate to have a strong appreciate for life, my strength, and what I am capable of. Life can be beautiful, and cruel at the same time. Just as I beat stage III cancer, a beautiful friend of mind lost her life in the blink of an eye in a car accident.
Time is the most valuable, but limited resource. Life is too short.
Move on from that girl that doesn’t love you back. Stop prioritizing your career over your health. Achieve your goals. Chase your dreams.
Do all that good stuff while you still can.
There are many who did not give up the fight against cancer, but still rest in peace. I am not stronger than those people. I was just lucky.
“Lookin’ back at my life make my heart race
Dance with the devil and test our faith
I was thinkin’ chess moves but it was God’s grace“– Nipsey Hussle
I started by telling you guys how I started a night out with my friend by delivering him the awful news of my situation. That was also the night where B, X, and I had one of the most fun nights of my life. When I look back at my year, I don’t think about my battle with cancer. I think about how much fun I had that night, and how I want more of those nights.
Thank you to my rock, my little brother; B &X for those short calls that felt like heaven when going through hell, my friends and family, old friends that checked up on me, and anyone that sent positive energy my way.
I am great, but a greater TPR is loading.
These lessons were derived from my personal experience with cancer. I am not a professional nor a doctor. If you suspect that you might have cancer, please see your doctor. If you are struggling with mental health, please get professional help.
For questions & thoughts, you can tweet or DM me at @tprx11