Do your cheeks ever hurt from faking too many smiles? The only thing worse than your pain is seeing your friends hurt, so you choose to deal with your pain alone. How long can you keep yourself busy before that lonely Friday night creeps up on you? You know what I’m talking about. Those lonely thoughts that make you hate the weekends. Yikes.
Why is it that the people with the biggest hearts get hurt the most? How many times do you have to “appreciate the lessons” that come from the pain before you find your happiness? Should you forgive the person that hurt you? Why can’t you forgive them even though you say the words all the time?
Does anyone want the real thing anymore? Is anyone real anymore?
Are you okay? …Am I okay?
On a random cold night in November of 2016, I released my article “Wisdom I picked up over 7 months” is what I titled the article “Fuck My Ex, Fuck Your Ex, And Fuck Your Relationshit Too”. Unfortunately, the article was lost during a data migration. Perhaps that was for the best. I won’t lie to you guys, I was hurting when I wrote it. My words were driven by pain. My friends said they were proud of me for writing it. I thought I had faced my demons by expressing my “wisdom”. I’m not proud of that version of myself.
Two years and a thousand internal battles later, it’s time to revisit these demons.
The real reason you are hurting:
The saddest part about betrayal is that it never comes from a stranger. Whether it was intentional or not, somebody hurt you. Most articles online tell you how to move on from someone, the wrong enemy. You can’t move on from yourself, the real cause of your problem; the real “enemy”.
Go outside reading this. Close your eyes for a minute. Dig deep inside your heart. Who are you really mad at?
Your ex girlfriend? God bless her family, but she is irrelevant to your story.
Your ex boyfriend? God bless his family, but he is irrelevant to your story.
You can say you forgive your ex girlfriend/boyfriend all you want. The reality is, you’re still upset because you haven’t forgiven yourself yet. The real demon you need to face, is actually yourself. C’mon, you knew it all along.
I was mad at the me that let somebody treat me poorly and get away with it. You’re mad at the you that let it go on, even though deep down you knew it wasn’t right. I’m mad at the me that believed the lies. You’re mad at the you who wasted your time. I’m mad at the me I don’t even recognize.
You need to learn how to forgive yourself.
Fuck the old me, the ex me. Fuck the old you, the ex you. Your friends who are still locked in a shitty relationship, or perhaps a toxic friendship you currently have with somebody, fuck that relationshit too.
How do you forgive yourself?
One cannot obtain the right answers, without asking the right questions. One cannot treat a problem without knowing the root of it. You let someone treat you less than you deserved. You let that person get away with it time and time again. You let someone waste your time, betray you, play you, and try to diminish your self worth. Deep down, you know you’re mad at yourself more than anyone else.
Aren’t you?
Your self worth? Learn to forgive yourself by spending your time with someone who appreciates it. Your time wasted? Learn to forgive yourself by learning the lessons that come with pain; by no longer wasting a single second on anyone who hurt you. Your humiliation? Learn to forgive yourself by being there for a friend in need who feels humiliated. Your betrayal? Learn to forgive yourself by strengthening bonds with loved ones. Your sadness? Learn to forgive yourself by prioritizing your happiness, for the first time in your life. Your trust issues? Be brave enough to trust again.
The only things that can mend a broken heart is time & love. The only person who can forgive you, is your inner self.
Two years ago, I didn’t recognize the person in the mirror. I was scared, hurting, lost, and confused. Life and several people in it turned on me. I hit rock bottom. The beauty of hitting rock bottom is that there is no place to go but up. Today, I am confident, happy, and proud of the person I see in the mirror. I have become the person I needed when I was younger; the person I used to pray for. I no longer miss the person I was before I was hurt, because I enabled myself to evolve. Blaming myself, instead of facing myself, only kept the bitterness in my heart for too long. I am mad at myself for letting myself hurt so long. I am still learning how to forgive myself by sharing my lessons with the world. Learning how to face and forgive myself is how I climbed out of rock bottom. I’m confident that so can you.
You’re strong. You’re going to be okay.
Just remember,
Forward. Never Backwards.
If this article can help just one person, then everything I’ve gone through in my life was worth it.
To my friends who were there for me, I haven’t forgotten what you did for me. You know you have my love and loyalty for life. You know who you are.