Am I giving up on myself? I think in my mind I might be. I look in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see. As I take a moment to reflect, everything feels like it’s moving so fast that I can barely breathe. At the end of the day, all my thoughts are piled up like bricks, and the pile keeps getting bigger and bigger. Why am I in a rut? How can I pull myself out of it? These are the questions that have been taking years to figure out.
Have you ever been afraid to fail? Where things went from 0-100 real quick, but the song isn’t playing?
A few years ago, I chose to make the move from my hometown in Western Massachusetts up to Boston and everything changed. Friends I thought were there for life ended up fading away, bills started to pile up, and my anxiety heightened. For the first time in my life, I felt alone with no sense of direction.
“Friend” has been a word that I’ve had a hard time understanding these past few years. I’ve put my trust in the wrong people. I never thought that someone I considered my brother would let me down time and time again when I needed him the most. I made sure this kid got to school on time, got to basketball practice, and even helped out his mom when she needed the money knowing damn well that it left $1.07 in my bank account. All for what?
As a result, I started to see a shift in my attitude and demeanor. School suddenly was put on the back burner, and I’d lock myself in my dorm room and play video games all day. I’d constantly try to fit in with people I barely knew, and it was exhausting. I signed up for trips and got involved in the community because I wanted to feel accepted and appreciated.
Writing has been an outlet that’s far more valuable than anything I can ever imagine. Being able to put pen to paper and write has been an honor that I’ll never take for granted. Being a kid with no voice, low self-esteem, and trust issues, writing has given me a way to cope through the hard times.
Now, I’d be lying if I said that those hard times have been left in the past, but I’m dealing with them today. People think it’s easy attending college, working a job, and preparing for a baby. I live in a society where that doesn’t matter. Dealing with hardships and struggling in life doesn’t mean a damn thing to anyone. I walk around with a smile on face, knowing that my anxiety is ready to explode inside me. I’m constantly reminded that if I don’t pick up the pace, I’ll fail.
I’m blessed to have met the most beautiful and intelligent woman in the world who continues to support and believe in me when I don’t. The same woman who packs me lunch every day and makes sure I have enough money to get through the bills is constantly telling me how much she loves me. Yet, people think I have my life figured out. She holds me together and is the reason why I’m still standing on two feet.
Am I giving up on myself? I think in my mind I might be. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see. I have nothing to lose, and I’m just trying to breathe.